"Forever's an awfully long time."

Posts tagged ‘suicide’

Dear Jayd,

Today started off as a normal day for me. I got up early, took a shower, skipped breakfast so I wouldn’t get caught in traffic, arrived at school, and waited for the bus to take me to duty. I talked with classmates, idly walked around the quadrangle, and had breakfast with other classmates, and then finally, we were told that we had to take the freaking jeepney. Yeah. When we were paying like hundreds of pesos for that damned coaster we don’t even fit it.

Any way.

We arrived at the health center, we were oriented to the area and what we’d be doing, and then I walked out of the health center with everyone else once it was all over. Then, by some circumstance, I looked at my watch.

My watch shows the date, in a tiny little box where the ‘3’ is supposed to be. The little box had the number ’17’ in it.

February 17. The day you… One year since you died.

Putting it in words like that on my blog makes me realize how final it is. I guess it never really hurt me so much because it didn’t sink in. I guess that maybe there was some part of me decided to think that there was a possibility that you would text me and ask me how I was doing. Or that maybe when New Year’s rolled around, you’d thank all your friends for the great year, and hope for a greater, better one.

And I guess I waited, and waited for that moment, for that text or call, or that chat box that would pop up with your name on it, and it never came.

I wonder when I started to stop hoping.

It was at this moment when I had to grab for one of my classmates. The tears were coming fast, and I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I don’t know how to explain the feeling that went through me at that time. It was as if… As if something was just squeezing your heart.

I lost a very good friend one year ago. 

The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I almost forgot. You are one of my closest friends, Jayd, and I almost, so nearly, forgot. And I am so sorry.

I miss you, Jayd. I really do. But I just want to say that, no… I didn’t burst into tears. I was hugged, I was consoled, I was even serenaded, and I didn’t cry. You know why? Because suddenly I felt like my chest was lighter… Almost as if you were telling me not to cry or feel guilty anymore.

It’s been 365 days since that fateful message posted on your FB wall. 365 days since I cried with all of our batchmates as I called people one by one, consoled everyone, and had sleepless nights while my heart ached for you.

So basically, Jayd, I just wanted you to know that I miss you, and I’m sorry. All of our batchmates miss you, and I can tell you that we still mention you every once in a while. We’re happy, but we still miss you. :’)

Love, Kaitlin.

I don’t know where you are right now, Jayd, but I know you can read this. I mean, you have to be reading your manga and downloading anime from some place.

There has to be wi-fi in heaven, right?

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