"Forever's an awfully long time."

Posts tagged ‘love’

That immortal first love

Dear you.

Seeing you for the first time in 5 years completely threw me off guard. Seeing you casually leaning against that terrace like you had no other care in the world suddenly made me feel like a first year high school student again.

I had dreamed that when I saw you for the first time after you broke my heart so many times and still made me love you, that I would be the one thing you’d never have. I dreamed of meeting you when I was successful with a license in nursing, slim and beautiful, confident and classy. I had dreamed of making you ask for my number over and over again, and me giving you a smug, simple, NO.

It’s funny how the things we dream about the most almost always don’t end up the way we want them to.

I saw you for the first time, completely out of my element and unprepared. Clumsy. Maybe the make up made me beautiful. I don’t know. All I know is, we saw each other for the first time in 5 years and I am 100% sure that you were just as unprepared as I was.

Surrounded by people who loved us together and loved us apart, I couldn’t help but notice that people were trying to push us together. Make it known that we were the only single pringles at the table. Ask us to pass things to each other, and giggle when we’d put our hands at the most awkward of angles, just to avoid hand and finger touches that would remind me (probably, mostly, hopefully not just me) of 3AM, hand holding and warm palms.

I remember how I was hoping it wasn’t just my imagination when I’d see you out of the corner of my eye, staring at me, or probably the wall behind me. I remember how I’d stare at you, wondering how in the world did it come to this? And then of course, the inevitable game of eye tag, where we try our hardest not to catch the other staring at us.

And I remember wondering what in the world had happened to me? Here I was; so sure that I had moved on and forgotten. So sure that my heart belonged to someone else. Only to be turned upside down, just by looking at you.

So suddenly sure that I had not moved on. So suddenly sure that among all of the crushes I had, among all those ‘loves’ and hits and misses, you were the one who stood out. And then it became clear to me. I had not moved on. Not even close. I had merely pushed you to the back of my mind, forgotten. Because if I had moved on, before leaving you for an indefinite amount of years, I would have walked up to you that night, looked you in the eye, and said goodbye. Said goodbye with the finality of someone who had moved on.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even say goodbye. Not even until the very last second. I felt like such a coward.

And so, as I talk with my psychologist friend and ponder about these feelings, I, by the power vested in me, pronounce you (you, not the friend) as my first love.

And I also pronounce you as not dead.

Love, me.

Chances are…

He was the high school senior that everyone went ga-ga for. Including me. He was tall, athletic, funny, and good with kids. He was amazingly nice and had a smile that reached his eyes and went straight down your throat and into your stomach. He wasn’t the first one for me, but he was the first one who wiggled his way into my heart, and stayed in my good graces. The first one to help me forget I was hurting. The first one who never hurt me.

He broke my rule of ‘not falling for anyone who was loved by all’. He was the one who made my heart flutter again after that first heartbreak. He was the one who smiled at me from across the pool and would look away when I tried to look closer. He was the one who asked for my number and texted me during the wee hours of the night. He was the one who called me when I was sick and spent hours talking on the phone to me about swimming and everything under the sun. 

He was cliched moments. He was distractions and smiles and butterflies. 

He was September all the way to February, he was the itch that I couldn’t get rid of. 

He was the recipient of my stares behind darkly tinted sunglasses. He was the knight in shining armor that saved me from hurt and from bullies. He was the voice that brought me back to earth when my favorite pet died. He was the big, boisterous laugh that I adopted. He was the guy who knew when to high-five me when I didn’t get a medal. He was the guy I went to the pool for. He was the first one to tell me, besides my family, that he loved me. 

I was fearful of reJection, fearful of hopes and dreams and making the same mistakes. I was a sophomore. I thought I knew everything. I thought treating those words as nothing would be normal. I thought I was going to get hurt again. 

He slipped away and I never regretted anything more. But to my surprise, he stayed constant in my life. Periods when I would see him and we’d act like nothing happened. Little shoulder punches, winks and jokes that were nothing. Cheering for me during competitions. That smile I loved so much.

Nearly six years pass. 

Now he is still a friend. He is still an itch I get every few times a year when we meet. We meet rarely, yes, but we meet. We don’t text anymore, but when we see each other it’s like my world stops turning. He is still smiles and jokes, is still winks and shoulder pushes. I don’t swim anymore, but this time it’s my sister he cheers for. He got a bit chubby, but he’s still the heartthrob the girls sighed for. 

He is still a smile, and a little jolt in my pulse when he passes by. He is still blushes and stares from behind sunglasses. He is still high-fives and secret moments, he still sticks up for me when people tease me. He is still a flutter in my heart, even though he shares that flutter with someone else. More than that, more than all of those things, in his eyes, I see that he is a chance. A chance that blossoms every time we meet. It won’t be a flower tomorrow (which is the next time we’ll see each other), and it won’t be a flower next week… but when it grows, it will become a chance to start again, a chance to take back my laughs and nonchalance. I like the sound of that. A chance. 

A beautiful chance. 

Wading Deep In

Feet bare, I feel the cool, rough sand beneath my feet.

Ready to step in, but afraid of the cold waters that hold unseen dangers

Inviting me in, teasing me and telling me that this is the best

Eclipsing the feelings of fear are those of longing; I want to wade deep in.

Never have I felt like so. I let my mind wander, not knowing that the water is already to my ankles

Deeper I tread, feeling tendrils of ice around my feet, daring me to fall back. But no.

Zinging up my spine are tendrils of ice. How can something so wrong feel so right?

Over and over I tell myself I can’t. Over and over again my feet wade further into the surf.

Night falls and I’m still here; water waist high and not getting any warmer. Tomorrow comes.

Even then I know that I’m not leaving these waters.

An acrostic.

Thing 1 and Thing 2. Well, actually boy 1 and boy 2.

Two boys, so alike, yet so different.

Two boys, same effect on her heart

Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, beautiful creature

Arrogant attitude, self-centered attitude, she loves that attitude

Two names, still the same, not quite the same. 

Thing 1: Conceal, don’t feel, get it out of your heart

Thing 1: Crush the feeling, before it starts

Thing 2: Hide it even though he knows

Thing 2: Smile even your pain still shows

The innocent girl is so confused

The little girl doesn’t know what to do

Give up, don’t look back, run away

Move on, be strong, that’s what they say

For both she feels that certain tug in her heart

For both she knows with them, she never could part

One to choose

One to stay

One to never go away

One to love

One to need

One to want, one to bleed

One to fly

One to leave

One to never ever need

One to forget

One to say

I’m sorry, please, just go away

Thing 1 Thing 2

I just don’t know

What in the world to do with you

Thing 1 Thing 2

My heart you will smother

You’ve just made me wonder why I even bother

Thing 1 Thing 2

I’m sorry for calling you things

But what else can I do when

You’re the cause of these feelings

Leave me

Need me

Go away

Stay here

Hold me

Let go

Run

Run

Stay.

Author’s note: Clang Association is a disorder where a patient likes the flows of certain words (e.g rhyming). I just realized how much it seems that I suffer from Clang Association. Do I? Hm. You be the judge. I just loved the words flowing out of my fingers, all messy like and such. The mess is beautiful, and I think I like it quite a lot. 

No regrets, dears. 

I Know You

In a crowd of a million people, I’d know the back of your head. I’d be able to see you, pick you out; just give me a telescope and I’d find you. I know you.

Blindfold me, and let me touch a thousand hands. I’d pick out yours. I know your hand.

Have everyone I know write an anonymous message to me. I know what you’d say. If it were handwritten, I’d say know your handwriting.

Let me cover my eyes, and have people talk to me. I’d know who you are. I know your voice. I know your laugh.

I know your experiences, your secrets, your dreams. I know how to make you happy. I know what to say to make you smile; I know what not to say to piss you off. I know when to leave you alone, and I know when you need a hug.

So why do I have to be punished for knowing you?

You hurt

I don’t want you to hurt

Make you feel down

I don’t want to watch from the sidelines;

Stand away from the crowd

Shut you out

You can’t make me do that 

Others would, but I wouldn’t

Unlike them, I genuinely care about you

And I need you to see that.

Just open your eyes. 

Please.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a poem. I feel better now. 

The Letter I Want Him to Write.

Kai gave me this idea. It might be a future blog challenge for us, but for now, I realize that it might be a way of closure for me. Who knows? I might get something out of this.

(*)

Kaitlin,

I’m sorry. 

I know it’s corny, and it’s probably the last thing you want to hear from me (if you even want to hear from me), but it’s true. I really am sorry. There’s nothing I can do for you, not anymore. I know I said it once, and I know I should have meant it.

So now, I’d just like to say that I don’t regret anything. We were young, we might not have been in love, but we must have had something special. I know that I made you hope for too much, and again, I’m sorry. It was just nice for once, to have a girl I could talk Pokemon about with, to have someone to pace with, and someone to enjoy life with. 

I shouldn’t have lost you, but in the end, I think that both of us made each other grow, in a way. I learned the hard way that girls aren’t going to flock after me, and you learned that loving someone isn’t as easy as Disney movies. The only thing I regret is that I had to make you hurt for so long.

You’ve always been a fan of closure, and I hope I’ve given you something that will at least close this part of our lives.

I just want you to know that I hurt too. And I hope that we can see each other again and I can tell you this in person. You deserve that.

You’ve always deserved that.

Me. 

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