"Forever's an awfully long time."

Posts tagged ‘feelings’

Wading Deep In

Feet bare, I feel the cool, rough sand beneath my feet.

Ready to step in, but afraid of the cold waters that hold unseen dangers

Inviting me in, teasing me and telling me that this is the best

Eclipsing the feelings of fear are those of longing; I want to wade deep in.

Never have I felt like so. I let my mind wander, not knowing that the water is already to my ankles

Deeper I tread, feeling tendrils of ice around my feet, daring me to fall back. But no.

Zinging up my spine are tendrils of ice. How can something so wrong feel so right?

Over and over I tell myself I can’t. Over and over again my feet wade further into the surf.

Night falls and I’m still here; water waist high and not getting any warmer. Tomorrow comes.

Even then I know that I’m not leaving these waters.

An acrostic.

Thing 1 and Thing 2. Well, actually boy 1 and boy 2.

Two boys, so alike, yet so different.

Two boys, same effect on her heart

Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, beautiful creature

Arrogant attitude, self-centered attitude, she loves that attitude

Two names, still the same, not quite the same. 

Thing 1: Conceal, don’t feel, get it out of your heart

Thing 1: Crush the feeling, before it starts

Thing 2: Hide it even though he knows

Thing 2: Smile even your pain still shows

The innocent girl is so confused

The little girl doesn’t know what to do

Give up, don’t look back, run away

Move on, be strong, that’s what they say

For both she feels that certain tug in her heart

For both she knows with them, she never could part

One to choose

One to stay

One to never go away

One to love

One to need

One to want, one to bleed

One to fly

One to leave

One to never ever need

One to forget

One to say

I’m sorry, please, just go away

Thing 1 Thing 2

I just don’t know

What in the world to do with you

Thing 1 Thing 2

My heart you will smother

You’ve just made me wonder why I even bother

Thing 1 Thing 2

I’m sorry for calling you things

But what else can I do when

You’re the cause of these feelings

Leave me

Need me

Go away

Stay here

Hold me

Let go




Author’s note: Clang Association is a disorder where a patient likes the flows of certain words (e.g rhyming). I just realized how much it seems that I suffer from Clang Association. Do I? Hm. You be the judge. I just loved the words flowing out of my fingers, all messy like and such. The mess is beautiful, and I think I like it quite a lot. 

No regrets, dears. 

When the Mind is Overheated

I have pressed Ctrl + A and then Backspace so many times just thinking about the first lines and paragraph for this blog post. 

I promise you, no more deleting. It’s just so hard for me to explain my thoughts and feelings this time. Wait, let me rephrase. It’s hard for me to explain my thoughts and feelings this time… and actually make sense while doing it

It’s as if my mind right now is just a jumble of thoughts, words, colors, emotions and sensations that are just exploding at the same time and in such rapid motion that I can’t help but squeal like a little girl. It’s like being a machine that’s been overheated and can’t function right.

Heck, I have a fever right now and I don’t think I’m functioning right, so I guess that’s that.

It’s just being so happy because he said something like that, because I could see it in his eyes and I know he meant it, but being sad at the same time because I know he meant it, and nothing else, nothing deeper. It is feeling like you want to cry into a pillow, but you can’t because you’re so happy that he’s your friend. It’s like wanting to hate him and love him, and feeling frustrated because you can’t do either

It is wondering why you got yourself into this. 

Facade (Dated: February 3, 2011)

I could like and say I was over him already

Say that she’s butt ugly and isn’t worth one look

That I don’t care that they’re so in love

And he’s stuck on her like a fish on a hook.

I could smile, and watch them be together

I could fill your head with lies

Say that I’m happy when someone notices

The tears that are welling up in my eyes

I could deny that my heart is cracking

I could pretend I never saw

The way he looks at her like she’s perfection

How he overlooks her every flaw

I could keep quiet when I hear

That they are the best couple ever

I could laugh when they get teased

And shrug it off with a quick ‘whatever’

But no matter what happens, I can’t deny it hurts

Even if I’m feeling oh, so crappy

There’s really nothing I can do

Because in all reality, HE’S HAPPY. 😦

Denial (Dated August 31, 2010)

It doesn’t matter what you say

Doesn’t matter what they do

I’ll go to the grave before I admit

That I’m terribly in love with you

My friends can tickle me to death

But my mouth will never say

What my head and heart both feel

And that I think of you everyday.

I know that you’re in love with her

I’ll just pretend that I don’t care

I will never admit the truth

That the hurt is just too much to bear.

Now the feeling is just too great

It’s slowly starting to grow.

But if I admit that I love you

It will only hurt me, I know.

So I guess I’ll just keep it in my heart

And the denial is just an ugly sound

I know I love him, I admit it.

But I’ll never say it out loud.

Because (June 18 2010)

For me, it’s entirely useless

To give your all

To someone who might not ever be

“The One”

Why would you suffer

Because of someone who 

Might never be yours?

Why would you be with someone

Who does treat you the way

You want to be treated?

It’s because you were blinded by love

Stuck in disillusionment

Because you loved him.

Happy? (Dated June 18, 2010)

If a heart can truly hurt so bad

Then it should only be fair

That it could also feel

That much happiness.

Am I right?

It’s common sense, if it 

Can feel so much pain

The happiness it feels should also be


I shouldn’t have felt that pain.

And I should be happy.

Just as happy.

For now, all I want to know

Is where all my happiness went?

Is my heart really that stupid

That I forget how to be


Prove (Dated June 17, 2010)

I want to prove to you

So many things.

I’m not that stupid, I know how to do things.

I’m not just that normal girl next door.

I want to show you that I can do

So much more.

You’ve always been lucky,

Maybe even gifted.

I know it already. 

Not a lot of people could reach up to you

Not even if they’d stand on tiptoe.

I’ll always be inferior to you – 

But this year, I promise, I’m going to prove to you

That I can be so much more.

On Feeling Fourteen and In Love Again

I feel so old now that I’m in third year college. College. Not high school anymore. It’s a weird feeling. The only thing I probably have in common with my third year high school self is the fact that I still drown myself in books and writing every once in a while. I don’t mind that. I love it. I live for it. Other things have changed. The way I act, feel, even laugh. Well, that’s my opinion, anyway. But the subject of this post is more on the ‘feel’ part.

My third year high school self used to be head over heels for a certain someone ‘back in the old days’. Oh, god, I just hate the sound of that. Anyway, that self of mine had this old notebook filled to the brim with poems written about him, quotes that would come out of my brain and were ‘GM-worthy’, and little heart doodles in red, blue and black pen. I used to nearly collapse at the sight of him; I literally became Fergie’s song ‘Clumsy’, with the whole ‘tripping, stumbling, flipping, fumbling’ thing going on. Every single song I heard back then could be related to him.

I swear, in high school? When I fell for someone, I fell hard. Harder than falling from an airplane down to the ground without a parachute, straight down to a concrete sidewalk. Even if I didn’t ‘fall’, even if it was just a ‘crush’ (because yes, there is a difference between the two) I would totally over think the whole situation and just blow it out of proportion.

And of course. Who would dare lie and say that they never felt that feeling they got in their heart whenever their crush passed by? Yes, that feeling. The feeling of your heart beating so fast against your rib cage that it’s hurting you, but the pain just feels so gloriously good. Not in a sadistic sort of way. More of a… “Love is pain and pain is love” sort of way.

But isn’t that sadistic?

Oh, never mind.

It got different when I entered college, though. I’m not going to lie and say that I wanted to change myself. I matured and eventually grew out of crushes. In fact, I really can’t say that in college, I had a crush on someone who made me feel the same jitters, butterflies, and heart-stopping pain that I felt in high school. No, I had little crushes, splashes of admiration, times when I couldn’t help but turn my head at some beautiful specimen of a human being. But I had never felt again my legs turning to jelly, my heart beating as if it were a main character in a scary movie during the climax, my fingers shaking as if I had carpal tunnel syndrome, and my face blushing the colors of the rainbow.

So, you can probably understand me when I say that when around last week, when I bumped into someone I had been ‘slightly’ crushing on for a few months, I felt all of those feelings coming back to life.

I literally hugged the corner to catch my breath a little.

Why? I screamed at myself. You’ve seen him almost every day of your life, why in the world is this just popping up now? It took me all of my willpower to walk past him, every bone in my body shaking like a leaf.

And the thing is? It felt great. I felt… alive? No, that’s not the right word. I felt properly inspired, that’s it. Which is why I’m blossoming, writing more this weekend than any other weekend.

For once, I’m not feeling, or even being stupid about it. It’s just like high school again, just like being fourteen again, except I’m not over thinking it, I’m not sprinkling imaginary scenarios in my head which may or may not happen ten years in the future, or even getting jealous over the random girls in his life. Trust me, I used to get so jealous of other girls before it made me explode. But now? Nothing. No other feelings except for this strong attraction and pull towards him. It just feels right. I hope I’m right.

I’m happy when I’m with him, just talking with him, which is more than I could ever ask. But I’m never at the point of jealousy, like I said, that’s something that I’ve gotten over.

If anything is meant to happen, it will happen. For now, you could say I’m riding a horse bareback, no reins attached; just letting it take me wherever I want to go. And no matter how it ends, whether a knight in shining armor has decided to take the ride with me, or I end up thrown off this horse in a muddy puddle… I guess I’ll at least be glad I had some smiles and butterflies along the ride.

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