"Forever's an awfully long time."

(Not) Mine

 I’m scared.

Our relationship is like walking on a tightrope; one move, and I’ll fall. And not in the sickly, lovey-dovey way. I mean ‘fall’ in a sense that I’ll just hurt myself.

I say this because I’ve already fallen. It’s too late for me to ‘un-fall’, if that’s even a word. The bigger problem with this scenario is that we were never meant to be, and yet, I went along and fell in love with him. Stupid head. Stupid heart. Stupid whatever hormone is responsible for making people fall in love.

The two of us? Together? The idea itself makes me laugh and yet, hope endlessly. They say that dreams are for free, but this is one dream I can’t even afford. One wrong step, and I disrupt this balance that I’m trying so hard to keep in place.

The thing is, despite all this caution, this wariness, this hurt? I’m happy. I have him. No one else has him like I do. I mean, I can actually talk to him. I can comfort him, and he can comfort me. For once in my life, I’m not invisible.

And I’m happy, in the end. It’s funny, because in a way, nobody knows him like I do. There are parts of his attitude that he has shown only to me. There are things that only I know, secrets only I’ve heard.

He’s my friend. A close friend. No matter how much I need him in my life, I can never have him the way I want him. Never. He can hug me, he can hold me, he can hold my hands, but never the way I want him.

Right, because things always went the right way for me. 

But I guess these things are somewhat a blessing in disguise, something I’ve always been a magnet of. Heartache comes naturally, and yet, so does my happiness. Wait, did that even make sense?

In a sick way, in a twisted way, I’m happy.

I’m lucky. 

(*)

This is a work of fiction, and has no connection in any way to the author.

Still awaiting the other four girls. This is one in a five part collaboration.

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